‘I will do it after 15 minutes’, I said to myself keeping an eye on the clock, almost convincing myself, that I was in dire need of a ‘break’.
As the minutes went by, I grew overwrought. ‘’Just not ready’’, my brain persuaded me again. Another 15 minutes passed, and it seems my eyes are too shamefaced to make an eye contact with the clock.
I know I have done something that I shouldn’t have, but it’s too late. Its 2.30 pm in the clock, and I am standing on the doorstep of my classroom, all prepared to take my end semester exam.
Since I have left school, this behavior has been unremitting. Given a deadline, I would do my work the night before, until I realized I could do it through the night, until I realized I could do it in morning on the day it was due and sometimes not doing it anyway, just like today. Often I see myself pondering over the reason of such a bearing.
It’s a mess, as I keep feeling worse and worse in my head. There are times when I have feelings of self hatred, guilt for not doing something which I should have done. But the predominant question is WHY all of this has been happening.
My mind comes up with different simplifications.
May be there is some sort of problem with my prefrontal cortex.
Or may be life has become difficult and I just can’t reconcile with this fact and delaying things is just an excuse to make myself believe that I still have it in me by comforting myself with a failure and telling myself, ‘’I will do better NEXT TIME’’.
But I fear the worst.
May be I am just too afraid to lose. Lose something that I know could be mine. What if I aim for something and fail miserably. May be my heart suffered in the past, and it says it can’t undergo that torture again. Not at any cost. So let’s make excuses. Delay, as much as possible. Dupe your mind into not thinking about what you really want from life, because the pain of not having it would be overpowering.
Sometimes I think that may be that blurred dream is so close to my heart, just, as people are close to their kins. They can’t picture them dying , so they don’t give thought to it. May be by the same reason I can’t help but not pursue my dream.
Or is it something more threatening only ‘Time’ will tell.
As the minutes went by, I grew overwrought. ‘’Just not ready’’, my brain persuaded me again. Another 15 minutes passed, and it seems my eyes are too shamefaced to make an eye contact with the clock.
I know I have done something that I shouldn’t have, but it’s too late. Its 2.30 pm in the clock, and I am standing on the doorstep of my classroom, all prepared to take my end semester exam.
Since I have left school, this behavior has been unremitting. Given a deadline, I would do my work the night before, until I realized I could do it through the night, until I realized I could do it in morning on the day it was due and sometimes not doing it anyway, just like today. Often I see myself pondering over the reason of such a bearing.
It’s a mess, as I keep feeling worse and worse in my head. There are times when I have feelings of self hatred, guilt for not doing something which I should have done. But the predominant question is WHY all of this has been happening.
My mind comes up with different simplifications.
May be there is some sort of problem with my prefrontal cortex.
Or may be life has become difficult and I just can’t reconcile with this fact and delaying things is just an excuse to make myself believe that I still have it in me by comforting myself with a failure and telling myself, ‘’I will do better NEXT TIME’’.
But I fear the worst.
May be I am just too afraid to lose. Lose something that I know could be mine. What if I aim for something and fail miserably. May be my heart suffered in the past, and it says it can’t undergo that torture again. Not at any cost. So let’s make excuses. Delay, as much as possible. Dupe your mind into not thinking about what you really want from life, because the pain of not having it would be overpowering.
Sometimes I think that may be that blurred dream is so close to my heart, just, as people are close to their kins. They can’t picture them dying , so they don’t give thought to it. May be by the same reason I can’t help but not pursue my dream.
Or is it something more threatening only ‘Time’ will tell.
Procrastination you mentioned is problem with lot of people including me as well. Till the time panic monster doesn't take control, you keep on delaying things. You might find following link interesting.
ReplyDeletehttp://waitbutwhy.com/2013/10/why-procrastinators-procrastinate.html